I was 18 when I first walked into a newsroom. There was a gritty smell to a newsroom in those days, and if you didn’t witness it then, you’ve missed it. It’s the scent of vats of ink. Enormous rolls of pulpy paper. Burnt coffee in dirty cups. The ghosts…

Are you ready for the Civil War sequel? — Red states are like defiant teens who demand more allowance but shit-talk their parents to their face. The North won the Civil War, forcing the South back into the Union, but some southerners continue to fly the Confederate flag, and now talk of another Civil War is everywhere. But this…

Mystery of aberrant Trumper behavior explained — Since 2016, scientists have wondered what could be causing millions of otherwise ordinary Americans to suddenly develop the inability to think logically, to disavow previously held moral beliefs and to develop an affinity for duct-taping multiple flags onto their pickup trucks. Now, they at last have an answer. ASSHAT research reveals truth. The Alliance…

‘This is a completely different situation’ — In the wake of the FBI’s seizure of classified material from Mar-a-Lago, many Trump supporters are struggling to explain how defunding the FBI is completely different from defunding the police. “I totally support our law enforcement community, except not the FBI now,” said Trumper Aiden Copper, sporting a brand new…

Just keep saying that and maybe it will come true — We are all expected to say we are fine when we are not. Claiming we are fine is one of our most common human interactions, and we have it not just with friends but with store clerks and random strangers. The question: How are you? The only acceptable answer: Fine. …

Weaponized civility demands that one react in good taste as one’s country is destroyed — I do declare, some people have been quite rude of late. It is understandable that some ladies and gentlemen do not agree on certain little niceties, such as whether one’s Capitol ought to be attacked or whether one’s body should be controlled by oneself or by others. But I must…

It came just after the deadly hamsterpox outbreak of 2032 — I remember how thrilled I was a decade ago, when inflation was just starting to take off, and I first earned a thousand dollars on Medium. It was great! I used the money to buy a set of badly needed new tires. Last month, August of 2032, I made a…

But I do have An Immodest Proposal — Grade-school-aged me ran into the house, aghast. The book I was reading wanted people to eat babies! My mom took a look at what I was reading — Swift’s A Modest Proposal — and tried to explain to me that he was joking, sort of. Yes, Swift did talk about…

What books are your kids reading now? — I did not ever offer my children any sort of bribe to read. I have heard of parents offering money, treats or other rewards. The grade school my children attended offered free Pizza Hut personal pan pizzas for meeting reading goals. (I found one of the certificates, unused and expired…